How to Talk to Someone About Their Drinking or Drug Use

Noticing changes or escalating problematic behaviour in someone you love is unsettling. Working out how to talk to someone about their drinking or drug use is one of the hardest conversations a partner, parent, or friend will ever have. There’s no perfect script. But there are ways to approach it that keep the door open, rather than slamming it shut.

Expert Tips

• Choose a calm, private moment, never when they’re intoxicated or you’re mid-argument.

• Lead with concern, not accusation: “I’ve noticed” lands better than “you always.”

• Expect denial or defensiveness. It’s a common first reaction, not a sign you’ve failed.

• One conversation is rarely enough. Think of this as the start of an ongoing dialogue.

• Support is available for your loved one and you. You don’t have to manage this alone.

How Do You Know It’s More Than “Just” Drinking or Using?

Everyone has a drink now and then, or a friend who smokes the odd joint. The signs of drug use in adults (or drinking that’s tipped into something riskier) are usually about pattern and impact, not a single event.

Look out for:

• Drinking or using alone, or earlier in the day than before

• Needing more to feel the same effect

• Mood swings, irritability or anxiety when they haven’t used, relief once they have

• Withdrawing from people, hobbies, or responsibilities they used to care about

• Money problems that don’t add up, or borrowing that’s become frequent

• Missed work, unpaid bills, or relationship strain they brush off or minimise

Recent figures from the Ministry of Health’s New Zealand Health Survey show one in six adults were classified as hazardous drinkers in the 2024/25 survey, which means if you’re worried about someone, you’re dealing with something quite common, not a rare crisis you should have caught sooner.

Starting the Conversation

Timing matters more than wording. Pick a moment when they’re sober, you’re both relatively calm, and there’s no audience.

A few things that tend to help:

• Use “I” statements. “I’ve been worried about you” opens a conversation. “You have a problem” tends to close one.

• Ask open questions. “How have things been going lately?” invites more than “Are you drinking too much?”

• Listen more than you talk. Let them respond without jumping in to correct or argue.

• Stay specific. Mention what you’ve actually seen (a missed birthday, a slurred phone call) rather than vague judgments.

• Keep it short. You don’t need to resolve everything in one sitting. A calm five minutes that ends on good terms beats an hour that ends in a slammed door.

What to say at an intervention for alcohol or drug use follows similar rules, just with more preparation. Each person usually shares one or two specific, non-judgemental observations (“I missed you at Mum’s birthday and I know it was because of the drinking”), followed by a clear, united ask: that they consider getting professional support. It helps to have a plan, such as a treatment option already researched, ready to offer at that moment.

What to Say and What to Avoid

Try:

• “I care about you, and I’ve noticed some changes that worry me.”

• “I’m not judging you; I want to understand what’s going on.”

• “Would you be open to talking to someone about it?”

Avoid:

• Ultimatums delivered in anger (you may not be able to follow through, and it can shut the conversation down for good)

• Labels like “addict” or “alcoholic”; they tend to trigger shame, not honesty

• Bringing it up when either of you has been drinking or using

How to Help an Alcoholic in Denial

Denial isn’t stubbornness; it’s often a protective response. Admitting there’s a problem can feel like admitting their whole life is at risk. A few ways to work with it rather than against it:

• Don’t argue the facts. Debating exactly how many drinks they had rarely gets anywhere. Focus instead on how their behaviour affects you and others.

• Ask curious questions. “What’s drinking doing for you at the moment?” often uncovers more than a direct challenge.

• Plant the seed, then step back. You can’t force insight. Share your concern clearly, then give them time to sit with it.

• Watch for “green light” moments – times they seem more reflective or open, rather than only raising it when things have just gone wrong.

How to Help an Alcoholic Who Doesn’t Want Help

This is often the hardest stage for families. You can’t make someone ready for change, but you can influence the conditions around them.

• Stop covering for them. Making excuses to their boss or family softens the consequences that might otherwise prompt change.

• Set boundaries, not punishments. “I won’t lend you money while you’re using” is a boundary. Cutting them off in anger is different and usually less effective in the long term.

• Keep the door open. Let them know your concern hasn’t gone anywhere, even if today’s answer is no.

• Get support for yourself. Al-Anon-style addictions support groups exist because supporting someone through active addiction is genuinely hard on the people around them, not just the person using.

What to Expect When Someone Goes to Rehab

If your loved one does say yes, knowing what to expect when someone goes to rehab can make that step feel less daunting for both of you. Most programmes start with a clinical assessment to understand what’s driving the addiction and whether other issues, like anxiety, trauma, or depression, are involved too. From there, treatment might mean residential care (living on-site for anywhere from a few weeks to a few months) or a more flexible outpatient programme that fits around work and family life.

Either way, good treatment goes beyond simply stopping the substance. It should include one-to-one counselling, group work, and a relapse prevention plan for the months after treatment ends.

Getting the Right Support

If you’re supporting someone through this in Auckland or the wider Waikato region, Clinic 77’s rehab in Auckland offers a private, confidential setting with both residential and outpatient options. Clinicians build each treatment plan around a full assessment, addressing co-occurring issues like trauma or anxiety alongside the addiction itself, with an aftercare plan built in from day one.

Based just over an hour from Hamilton, Clinic 77 is also a genuine option if you’re searching for drug rehab in Hamilton, alongside fully online outpatient support for those who can’t travel.

And if it’s you who needs somewhere to talk this through, Clinic 77’s drug counselling service and family-focused support are there for loved ones carrying the weight of someone else’s addiction too.

Every year, only around a third of New Zealanders experiencing problems with alcohol or drugs get the support they need, often because no one feels able to start the conversation. Starting yours, however imperfectly, is already a meaningful step.